Talk and listen
Many couples find it hard to take the time to talk together properly. This exercise, explained by relationship psychotherapist Paula Hall, is designed to help you really listen to your partner and talk about the things that are on your mind.
Preparation
- Before trying this exercise it's worth having a look at the Guidelines for exercises.
- Make a date in advance to do this exercise. It will take an hour.
- Toss a coin to see who speaks first and agree who'll keep time.
- Make sure you're not going to be disturbed.
- Agree what the two of you will do to relax after your hour is up.
Each partner gets 30 minutes to talk, while the other partner gives their undivided attention. After the hour is up, it's essential that you both walk away and do something else - don't analyse the conversation. In fact, agree not to talk about it for at least 48 hours.
If talking for a whole hour is difficult because of other time pressures or feels too long for a first time, cut the exercise to 20 minutes each.
If you find the exercise useful, set a regular date to do it, taking it in turns to talk first.
Rules for the talker
- You have to take your full 30 minutes even if you run out of things to say. Any silences will give you a chance to reflect on what you've said and perhaps move on to deeper thoughts.
- Talk about whatever's on your mind - but don't turn it into a whingeing session.
- Try to talk only about your feelings and opinions by starting sentences with 'I'.
- If you're the second person to speak, try not to respond to what your partner's just said. You must talk about your yourself.
Rules for the listener
- Try to listen with your whole self by giving your partner 100 per cent of your attention.
- Show that you're listening with your body language: maintain eye contact, nod and don't cross your arms.
- You can ask for clarification if you don't understand something, but not if you disagree. Don't share your opinions.
- It may be hard to keep quiet for that long, but it's important to do so.
Further help
If completing this exercise leaves you feeling uncomfortable or you have concerns about your relationship, try talking it through with your partner or a trusted friend. Alternatively, you might want to consider seeing a relationships counsellor
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