What is retarded ejaculation?
Difficulty in ejaculating is known by doctors as retarded ejaculation. Although men who suffer from this problem may be fully sexually aroused during sex and enjoying the stimulation, orgasm seems to take for ever and may not happen at all.
Retarded ejaculation (RE) can be a very distressing condition. Sufferers can feel embarrassed, isolated, confused and very frustrated.
Partners often blame themselves and feel inadequate, which puts even more pressure on the sufferer to perform and compounds the problem further.
Some men may have suffered from the condition all their life, in all sexual situations. Some will have no problem when masturbating alone, but tense up completely with a partner. Others may only have the problem during intercourse.
Retrograde ejaculation
Some men suffer from retrograde ejaculation, which is very different from retarded ejaculation. If you experience the sensation of orgasm but don't ejaculate, you're probably suffering from this. Instead of the semen being expelled, it's forced backwards into the bladder. Sufferers will sometimes notice that their urine is cloudy after orgasm. This condition is often a result of spinal injury, diabetes, neurological diseases or prostate surgery. It's important to seek treatment, as retrograde ejaculation can cause infertility if left untreated.
Physical causes
If you suffer from retarded ejaculation when you're masturbating as well as with a partner, then the cause may be physical. Check with your GP if you think any of these may apply to you:
- diabetes
- nerve damage
- prostate disease
- alcohol abuse
- prescription drugs such as betablockers or antidepressants
Change your habits
If you've always masturbated in exactly the same way, with exactly the same stroke and exactly the same pressure, your body may not know how to respond to anything different. Intercourse or a new partner is going to feel different. Try expanding your masturbatory repertoire. Gradually you should notice your body's increased sensitivity to a variety of touch.
Psychological blocks
The most common causes of RE are psychological. For some reason or another, your mind is blocking out the physical sensations and stopping ejaculation. Your body is telling you that you're ready - you have an erection to prove it - but your head may be trying to tell you something else. Possible psychological reasons include:
- You're a perfectionist. Sex is a performance and you must make it perfect for your partner. Sex has become all work and no play.
- You're scared to lose control. This may be a character trait in many areas of your life, not just sexually.
- You're worried that you're not a good lover. You can't enjoy your physical sensations if you're worrying about your sexual prowess and ability to please your partner.
- Deep down, you believe sex is wrong. Shame or guilt about sexuality due to negative childhood messages or a sexual trauma will prevent your enjoyment.
- You're distracted. Concerns about work or other tasks mean your mind's not on the job.
- You're spectating. Concentrate on the physical sensations of love making - slip-off into your favourite fantasy. This will free you from feeling too conscious of reaching a climax.
- You're unhappy. If you're feeling angry or insecure with your partner, you may struggle to feel relaxed enough to enjoy yourself. Try to sort out relationship tensions before you get to the bedroom.
Self-help tips and exercises
For ways to put these tips into action, see the section on practical exercises.
- Make sure you're feeling relaxed. Try breathing exercises or buy a relaxation tape.
- Enjoy being sensual first, taking time to focus on pleasurable sensations.
- Escape into your favourite fantasy to block out any negative thoughts or distractions.
- Try different positions to maximise stimulation.
- Strengthen your pelvic floor muscles.
More help
If some of these points have rung a bell for you, you may find that simply talking it through with your partner will help. Or you may both decide to try the support and guidance of a psychosexual therapist.
A generally useful book on men and sex is The New Male Sexuality by Bernie Zilbergeld (Bantam Doubleday Dell).
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